Daily Submissions

Why Submit?

Written By: gracie - Aug• 30•11

If not for the internet, I don’t know that I ever would have been involved with this lifestyle.  I wouldn’t have had the ability to communicate with other practitioners or known how to formulate any sort of questions about it.  I had big questions, sure, but nothing that would have really helped me on a basic level.  With the resources at my fingertips, though, I quickly learned way more than I ever dreamed would need to be learned.  I probably learned some things I didn’t even need to learn, strictly speaking.

As soon as I knew there was a community of people out there who felt like I did, I knew that I’d never be content to live without it.  It wasn’t rare and I wasn’t abnormal- there were probably people right here, in my own city, who spanked and tied and fucked and loved in the way that I’d dreamed about since I was a little girl.  Suddenly, a lot of things I’d felt growing up made so much more sense to me, and it was a huge relief.  Even though I was a freak, I wasn’t alone.  At the age of 19, I realized that there might be some power in my position, even.  It was heady, knowing that I had this desire.  Even as plain as I was,  men would want me.

Over the years, I did discover a great many things.  I had to relearn things I thought I understood, again and again.  I liked the idea of really knowing it all, but I’ve given up on that.  Sure, there are key things that work for me directly, but there are also things that don’t work for me, but work just fine for others.  Knowledge is such a fluid thing.  Even self-knowledge is fluid, on account of change.  I used to pride myself on being self-aware.  See, I had this idea that if I really knew myself, then I wouldn’t change.  I’m not really sure how I figured, either.  It just seemed to make sense, somehow.  Well, as most of you know from experience, life doesn’t work that way.  I have changed, and I’m quite grateful for that fact.  How dull life would be if everything were static!

One question that seems to come up more often than the rest is why this is so appealing.  What makes a person want to submit?  I originally didn’t care about it very much.  Oh, I’d try to come up with flowery prose to answer the question, but on a largely intellectual scale.  I didn’t need to know what it was that I found attractive.  I was just satisfied that it worked for me.  I guess I wasn’t so big on self-discovery, then.  But eventually, as it kept resurfacing in various forms, it became something that I had an almost visceral need to explain.  Why would I submit to another person’s will?

I came up with flowery and meaningless reasons.  Things that sounded good on paper- “It just feels right to me,” or “I’ve always been drawn to traditional roles,” or “I want to see how love shapes me into the person I will be.”   They’re either gibberish that skirts the real question, or just gibberish.  I like having a ready answer, and I tend to communicate through text a great deal more than through any other sort of interaction, and these were the things I would tell myself.  Or I’d spout things I’d seen written elsewhere.  Sometimes I’d get all emo and say that love is all about power and control, so why not be up front about it?

As I’ve learned more about myself, I have come up with some better, more interesting answers.  Are they full of gibberish disguised as flowery prose? Yup.  No matter how much sense they make, to myself or others, they are still just gibberish, because no rationale or explanation can really touch on how it makes me feel.  I could give psychological reasons that would make Freud’s eyeballs roll back into his twisted little head, or I could write poetic essays about how it makes me feel.  I could argue nature, nurture, evolution or creationism.   All they’d boil down to are excuses.

Why submit? I could more easily answer why I am left-handed.

Discipline

Written By: gracie - Aug• 29•11

Today’s spanking was fun.  My Sir left me in a long shirt and nothing else, then he told me to stand behind a chair.  I was made to lean forward with my hands resting on the back of the chair, and told not to take them off of it.  He used the backscratcher again, which seems to be a new favorite (for us both), and when I wriggled out of position too much, he gave me a powerful wallop with his hand.  I enjoyed being spanked standing up, as it was a nice change from the regular spankings.  It wasn’t too hard and didn’t last an excessive amount of time, but it certainly left an impression and it’s still stinging just a bit.

We were bantering back and forth earlier today about whether I deserved a spanking or not, and I told him that discipline must be maintained!  He announced that discipline is more of a whim thing with him, which has made me laugh all evening.  It’s true, but I’ve never heard him refer to it in quite the same terms.  I’ve learned that there are some lines that shouldn’t be crossed and what is acceptable to him, more often than not.  I think I should be pretty proud of myself.

Looking forward to seeing what else he has up his sleeve!  I’ll be sure and keep you updated with what news I have.

Moody Sunday

Written By: gracie - Aug• 28•11

We’re in for some cooler weather this week, which will be a relief.  I’m trying to get up the energy to go bake something yummy, since it seems cool enough to turn on the oven, but I don’t even know if I have that much.  My mood has been less than stellar today- not snippy or anything, but anxiety is popping up in strange places.  Unlike my Sir, I had plenty of sleep last night, so I don’t have that as an excuse.

I did get a very nice spanking with our wooden back-scratcher a few minutes ago.  I was surprised at how hard some of the strokes were, but they certainly left some color in my “cheeks,” if you will.  He tormented me, but in a good way.  I love that he is pushing me lately.  It makes for good fantasy material before I drift to sleep!

A Brief Note About Today

Written By: gracie - Aug• 27•11

I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend.  My thoughts are with those of you in the path of Irene, or have loved ones who are.  Today marked an early day, but as I tried to write, the cursor just sat there, looking impatient.  It’s not that I don’t have anything to say- it’s more that I’m less than energized about writing it, for some reason.  I’m doing away with the cut, for now, so let me know if it bothers you.

Today my Sir pushed my limits with pain and humiliation both.  He also worked over my back until it was a soft pink color and tried to leave bite marks; this time on the front of my shoulder.  I was pretty squirmy, so he didn’t get me that well- it’s a light mark, but a mark nonetheless.  I love him smacking my back- it feels sting-y, but in a great way.  He made me deliciously uncomfortable, then ordered me to touch myself.  Recalling his response yesterday, I asked him, “Or what? Isn’t that what you asked me yesterday?” 

His face turned shades of: I-can’t-believe-you-just-said-that, I’m-going-to-enjoy-this, and I-see-you-want-this-to-escalate-but-remember-you-did-this-not-me.  All this occurred in the space of a split second.  I love that, when he makes me feel foolish and I regret the words even as I’m speaking.  It is fantastic.

I did get a spanking today, while sucking my Sir’s cock.  It felt mostly bearable, but I’m feeling a little sensitive. He likes to dig his nails into my skin after he’s done spanking me.  It makes me crazy at the time, but in a good way.  Never to the point that it starts bleeding, or even abrading.  It mostly just leaves marks on my skin very briefly, and feels sexy/hurty when he does it.   We’ve had good camaraderie throughout these recent encounters.  It is so nice that sex (and intimacy in general) feels fun again! 

Sorry I came in late with this entry, folks.  I am planning to write a proper entry up tomorrow.  Thanks for reading!

I felt… prompted

Written By: gracie - Aug• 26•11

Today I was naughty.  Because of my post about fear as well as the last prompt I wrote about, I decided to get my Sir’s attention.  I wanted a good sparring match.  I wanted to surprise him.  I wanted him to grin at my nearly childish delight, and then watch his grin fade into predatory amusement when he realized what I was doing.  Something was in my system; that’s all I can say.   (more…)

Fear

Written By: gracie - Aug• 26•11

I’ve never been skydiving.  I’ve never shoplifted.  I rarely speed, even when I’m late.   I cover my eyes during scary scenes in TV programs, not just movies.  I get mad if my Sir sneaks up on me (intentionally or not) when I’m concentrating on something.  I have suffered from severe social anxiety for as long as I can remember.  So it’s odd, I think, that fear is one of my big turn-ons.  (more…)

30 Days of Submission #4

Written By: gracie - Aug• 25•11

As ever, these prompts are from the wonderful and talented girl at Defer and Submit.

Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you? (more…)

Making Comparisons

Written By: gracie - Aug• 25•11

Despite the fact that some relationships are actually similar, D/s or DD or kink in general just does not lend itself to comparison.  Why, then, do I feel an almost compulsive need to read about and compare myself to others who submit?  It’s a terrible habit, I’m well aware.  Logically, right now, I can make all the right arguments about how self-defeating it is to have the mindset that I should somehow modify my submission, not for my Sir’s pleasure, but due to imagined expectations of others. I should probably be spanked for even mentioning it (I’m being facetious, mostly). (more…)

Interesting

Written By: gracie - Aug• 24•11

So, this afternoon, my Sir handed me a post-it note with a cryptic message on it.  I squinted at him, confusion in my eyes.  Was he playing with me? Could it be a test of some kind? Was there a hidden message inside of it?  Should I add “in bed” to the end of the message?  What could the note possibly be trying to accomplish?   Had he gotten a concussion despite the lack of anything remotely resembling a head trauma last night?  I glanced under the bed and saw no discernible pods, so I began to suspect that perhaps my Sir had simply lost his mind. (more…)

Cleaning Day

Written By: gracie - Aug• 23•11

Today we cleaned our room extensively.  Then, when we had moved EVERYTHING out, the vacuum died. Seriously? Seriously. So now we have a “new” bed, in a new location, and the floor is yucky.  I’m pretty sure I stomped my foot when I realized I wasn’t going to be able to vacuum.  It died a slow, torturous, smelly death, as if to spite me.  I want a Dyson! (A pink one, preferably.) (more…)