Daily Submissions

Turn-ons and -offs

Written By: gracie - Sep• 10•11

I recently stumbled across a discussion about what turns people on and off and thought I’d give the list a shot.  I’m going to attempt to do 10 of each.  My Sir himself is my biggest turn-on, of course, but I’ll try to limit my list to not gushing about how lucky I am.

Yes, please:

Power- Knowing that my partner is powerful is pretty heady stuff. This is an energy thing- it has to do less with posturing and more with something unspoken.

Confidence- If my partner doesn’t believe what he is saying, I won’t believe it either.  His supreme confidence allows me to trust him, and thus follow him down the path of his choosing.

Humiliation- The urge to sob with shame, to be unable to avoid something I’d like to avoid, and being forced to be complicit in my own undoing is just so overwhelmingly powerful that I can’t help but be turned on by it.

Spanking- Especially when it turns him on to do it.  This one seems fairly straightforward.

Threats- This seems particularly out of place, but I think it ties back into power.  The idea that he might push me more than I think I can handle, and knowing that he’ll make good on those threats if he has to, gives me a rush of powerlessness that I love.

Marks- You might have noticed this from past blogs wherein I brag about visible marks.

Neck and Ear kissing- Incredibly sensitive areas for me.

Restrictions- physical or emotional bondage makes me feel safe. This may seem counter-intuitive, but I’ve always loved having clearly defined boundaries.

Cruelty- I love it when my partner derives pleasure from being cruel to me.  This does not necessitate physical cruelty or even excessive cruelty; just knowing that my discomfort is providing a thrill makes me excited.

Genuine Love or Affection- This is where trust is born, from me. After all, if my partner doesn’t know what makes me tick, how will I be put back together again?

I think I may have to express my turn-offs another day. I’ll come back to this topic for sure, though!

Busy Like a (stinger-less) Bee

Written By: gracie - Sep• 09•11

A really, really, really lazy bee.  I mean, I really have been busy, but have you seen bees at work?  They’re like machines.  Ew, why am I talking about bees anyway?  I’m not fond of flying things- this is one of the huge reason I would make a terribad Buddhist.  Those people don’t kill bugs!  Well, I claim self-preservation. 

Anywho, it should be pretty obvious that I did not write an entry yesterday.  I just couldn’t do it. I had to get my strings and play chauffeur to my real father and meditate and seduce my husband and reread my favorite Patricia Briggs series and cuss at the internet for not working.  Our provider is SO bad that we are running headlong into the arms of the only other option in the area; the local cable company that we swore we’d use AOL before we went back to their stupid “service,” such as it was. It’s genuinely a sad day when that company starts looking like the white knight. Apparently sometimes the devil you know really is the lesser of two evils.

I’m enjoying getting to know the local scene. I’ve met a few people that I really like, and some others that I think I’d really like if I got to know them. So far, it’s been a very positive experience, in so many ways.  I love relating events to my Sir, and I feel confident that I can go out and represent him well enough.  

I’m also enjoying the feelings of submission I’ve had lately.  My head just feels as though it’s in exactly the right place, which is awesome.  I love the way he pushes me, and I love that he knows when to stop, and I love that he asks me questions the whole way through.  This communication stuff? It’s pretty exceptional, if you ask me. Who knew?

My apologies for missing yesterday- now I am off to play chauffeur once more.

PS. ‘The Chauffeur’ is one of my all-time favorite Duran Duran songs. It is now stuck in my head.  Just thought I’d share!

Inappropriate

Written By: gracie - Sep• 07•11

Rather than explaining how I got in trouble yesterday, I’m going to tell you the highlight of my day, which occurred before the trouble. I was being playful with my Sir and he was keeping a rather firm handle on me, so I knew it wouldn’t be wise to be flippant. Well, I don’t remember what I said, but it resulted in him helpfully suggesting that I occupy my mouth with something other than talking; perhaps I would like a cock to suck. His strong hands moved to clasp my nipples in order to help me think about it, and it hurt.

However, between his comment and that pain, my brain did something horrible to me.  I had the urge to make a smart-ass comment, wondering if my Sir happened to know of a cock that needed sucking.  Just as his fingers closed firmly around my nipples, I had this little mental conversation with myself:

“I think I’ll say, ‘Where could I find such a cock?’ and see what he does.”

“WTF? No, no, no- now is not the time. Just shut the fuck up and do as you’re told!”

About this time, I could feel the words start to come out of my mouth, and the pain kicked in, changing my focus instead to saying: “Ow!”  I was so relieved I hadn’t said it that I got that sort of giddy feeling and started to laugh about how close I’d come to crossing a line.  There’s something strange about my wiring (for so many reasons); sometimes I have the urge to laugh when I’m in pain.  I know how bad it looks and sounds, so I generally make the effort not to have this reaction. Well, this combination of stimuli simply wouldn’t allow any other response.

The more I giggled, the harder he squeezed, and the more I thought about how bad it all must look to him. Meanwhile, he’s looking at me like I’m the most amusing thing in the world, and also as one might look at a mouse, if one were a cat.  I’m gasping for breath, begging him to stop, and he started laughing at me.  This absurdity became a self-perpetuating thing.  I’d start to get myself composed, then hear him chuckle and start all over again.

It couldn’t have lasted too long, but he finally let go and I started to regain some of my dignity.  I started apologizing profusely and explaining how I’d gotten there and we giggled together for a bit.  It was utterly delightful; I can’t even explain.  He just gets me so well.  Some guys might have thought I was trying to provoke a reaction and granted me one.  He, on the other hand, laughed at my sorry predicament and allowed me to explain how the perfect storm had turned me into a giggling mess when he used pain to get my attention. So. Much. Love.

30 Days of Submission #5

Written By: gracie - Sep• 06•11

This prompt comes from the girl at Defer and Submit.

Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

I am in a D/s relationship now with my husband. I dabbled with online stuff (which is how we met), but he’s the only relationship of this sort I’ve had in person. It’s difficult to compare online relationships to offline, so I won’t really go into that, except to say that I had a fantastic knack for putting myself in a position to be victimized, but ended up getting lucky.  If I hadn’t started with the online community, I almost certainly wouldn’t be writing this particular blog.  

My relationship is unique pretty much the same way all relationships are unique.  We’re unique people with our own experiences of life and love, and we bring our own perspectives to our roles.  I think, more specifically, that we’re quite different in that we have a range of play- I love the rough take-down dominant scenes, but we also do an almost non-sexual Daddy/little girl dynamic, as well.

We also don’t do a total power exchange, as I’ve mentioned previously.  Some of our experiences have to be modified due to issues of physical and emotional wellness.  I don’t refer to him as Sir all the time.  I’ve been released from his collar and not from his side.  These all seem like things that might not apply in traditional D/s households.  We keep what works for us, and the rest of it we discard.  I hope that’s not terribly unique, though.  It seems like it would get tiresome to adhere to rules and regulations that don’t work well.

String Theory

Written By: gracie - Sep• 05•11

No, I haven’t suddenly transformed into a quantum physics blog!  Though if I knew enough about quantum physics to have a blog about it, I totally would.  I couldn’t even define string theory without looking it up, I just know that it ties in, somehow. Pun intended.

Okay, enough with the physics puns. Strings are my new form of currency at home.  My Sir talks about it in more detail on his blog, but the gist is that I can earn 3 strings a day, per his instructions.  The important thing is that, once I earn 100 strings, I get to wear his collar again. If I fail to earn the strings, I lose strings instead.  If I go under 100 once I’ve earned them, I lose the collar again.  They’ll eventually be able to be used for other reward-type things, but I wouldn’t dream of using any of them until I’ve reached 175 or so, which is a bit less than 2 months’ time. I plan to have an enormous buffer so that I don’t ever give up my collar again.

Mark your calendars, folks, because I should have the collar back in 34 days.  That’ll be Sunday, October 9th, which is a perfect date, to my mind.  It was right around that date that my situation began to turn around.  Life started to look a little less unbearable, and a little bit brighter.  It seems only fitting that I’d get to wear his collar again at that time.  I love symmetry.  I love celebrations.  That day is going to be even better than I could have hoped.

 

Missing a Day

Written By: gracie - Sep• 04•11

Today I forgot to write a blog entry.  I’ve been so caught up in being proud of myself for going to the munch, as well as planning for my new task system (which will be starting tomorrow), that today totally passed me by.  Now, here it is, almost midnight, and the 4th of September has almost gone by, unrecorded.  It was a lazy day- I did not get spanked, though I did get fondled.  Ooh, and I got a honeydew at the store tonight! Pretty much my favorite melon. Wish I’d gotten some salad fixins, though.  Ah, well. I’ll do it next time.

I got my hackles up over my Sir’s blog entry today.  Told him that if he was still assuming I took our vows more seriously than his ex-wife did, we needed to have a talk (because it should be fact, not assumption, by now).  Of course the statement was made very tongue-in-cheek, which he reminded me, but I was briefly offended.  I’m way better than his ex-wife, not that I ever met her.  Actually, he’s not the type to sit and badmouth her, and he freely admits that he made mistakes during their marriage, too.  I can just see how her behavior hurt him on a core level, and it makes me… angry.

Last year at this time was a Very Bad Time in my life.  It is amazing to me how much things can change in 12 months.  I’m not saying life is perfect, but compared to last year, it’s practically heavenly.  Expect me to be giving lots of thanks between now and… well, basically, January.

Have a great Labor Day, those readers in the US!

Munching is a Go!

Written By: gracie - Sep• 03•11

I went to the Munch today.  I went by myself and expecting to see maybe 10-15 people there.  I even arrived a few minutes early, so I didn’t have to walk in late, in front of everyone.  I was a little surprised when there were about 15 people there when I arrived.  As more people filtered in, I began to feel a little trapped. Everybody, it seemed, already knew everyone else.  A longstanding couple started the meeting and opened with introductions.  I don’t want to brag or anything, but I made people laugh. (I was trying really hard to cover up how intimidated and shy I felt.)

Anyway, it was a good experience.  Nothing got my hackles up and I was so interested in watching people interact that I didn’t feel too awkward.  There ended up being over 40 people- the main server said about halfway through that the room was full to capacity and she’d have to turn anyone else away.  I’d been worried that there wouldn’t be enough people there for me to stay on the fringes of the conversation. 

I’ll go back, and I’ll be on the lookout for some more local events.  It was fun to be out of the house and in the company of kinksters.  My Sir was proud of me for going, which is a huge deal for me, and I was pretty proud of myself as well.  I feel like I could make friends in this group.   This was a good day for me.

To Munch or Not to Munch

Written By: gracie - Sep• 02•11

There’s a monthly munch in my local scene tomorrow, and I’m wondering if I should go.  It would be just me, as my Sir’s not really interested, but I don’t know anybody.  I’ve only rediscovered the locals within the past couple of weeks.  I might chicken out, but maybe I’ll surprise myself.

We picked up a questionably useful vacuum, used.  It seems to overheat and shut down randomly- that’s better than letting the engine burn up,  but it’s a little startling.  It’s nice to have one again- the cat hair was getting unbearable. I just hope it lasts for a while longer.

Some real world stress going on, so I have less sexy stuff to report.  Despite some of my anxiety and confidence issues surfacing, though, I will be making a renewed effort for my physical health; namely working out and such. Maybe I’ll put up some pics of my marks in order to document my progress.  Of course, I’m hoping that there won’t be many lasting marks while I’m required to have some public nudity and/or near nudity (swimming, perhaps).  I’m sure we’ll work through it when the issue arises.

I do have a mark that is fading on my shoulder, but this one isn’t just a mark. It’s a bruise, and it was all angry reds and purples, but now it’s fading to greens and yellows.  It hurts when I touch it, unlike the rest. My Sir bit me there hard.  It was delicious, and I show off the bruise to him pretty much constantly.

We’re working on a system that will allow me to earn my right to wear my collar again, which is pretty exciting.  I pretty much feel like my ring serves as a fair reminder of his ownership, but I’ve always appreciated the symbolism and the physicality of the collar.  I have two of them, assuming we can find the one that’s missing.  Given our recent streak of cleaning, I suspect we will. Anyway, one is for public wear, and one is very clearly a kink collar.  Once I have satisfied the requirements to wear them again, I will happily do so.

Now I just have to wrestle with the idea of a munch.

Into the Arms of September

Written By: gracie - Sep• 01•11

Today was a rough day.  Mistakes were made.  Punishment was meted out.  Tears were shed.

Despite that, I don’t feel wounded.  Tired, yes.  But I feel like I have a reserve of strength I never noticed before.

Some of you might be aware that cold=pain.  Well, let’s just say that my punishment today involved a rather large ice pack, designed for use on the lower back.  It was carefully supervised; no lasting damage was done, but it certainly amplified what my Sir had in store for me.  He spanked me 40 strokes with a hairbrush, down from his intended 100.  I don’t think he realized how effective it was going to be.

Then, at the end of the punishment, something triggered and my lack of an orgasm (on account of it being a punishment) became a (very surprising, unusual) distressing issue of concern.  I don’t think I’ve ever had that reaction before.  I rather enjoy being left squirming and teased.  Today it put me all out of sorts, to the point where I almost wasn’t able to vocalize it at all.  Hooray for communication!  It was sorted, but has left us both very tired, which is why this entry is so short.

The End is Near

Written By: gracie - Aug• 31•11

The end of the month, that is!  I love August- lots of birthdays and summer events and such.  The heat is a little overwhelming at times, but it hasn’t been bad this year.  It’s been a grand month, overall.  I’ve gotten a lot of really hot spankings and I had a great run of productivity, which I feel confident will repeat itself.  Life is good, and I’m working hard to make sure it gets better.  I’m glad to see September, though.  It feels like August has lingered just a little too long.

This blog has a full month of entries under its belt, and I look forward to filling it up with more.  Daily Submissions has helped me refocus my energy in a submissive mindset, as well as encouraging me to write in an un-self-conscious way.  This has, in turn, improved my communication with my husband.  I feel as though I can be more open here, and I know that expressing my  side of our encounters has helped him to know me even better than he already does.  I’ve also learned that I can write every day, even if it’s not great literature, or life-changing prose.   I am a perfectionist, but the deadline helps me to write in my own, imperfect way.

I appreciate the readers for bearing with me, and hope that I can soon provide more entertaining and stimulating entries.  Sometimes it’s easy for me to disclose intimate details, as casually as I might discuss the weather, but sometimes I cannot put into words my experience, for fear that the hot blush of shame will melt my whole face off.  It seems like such a contradiction, but that’s how it works.  I hope that isn’t too crazy-making.  I fear it’s one trait I’ll never lose.

For now, I’ll settle for being able to keep up with my daily entries.  It works well enough for me.  If it works well for others, all the better!  The new month looks so fresh and exciting to me right now.  September is only hours away, and I hope that it treats us all as well as it can.  I hope that I make good choices and please my Sir;  I hope that, as our communication grows, so will our strengths as people.  I don’t expect it to be perfect, not by a long shot.  September looks so pretty right now, though.  It looks almost welcoming.

Enjoy your last day of August, folks! Autumn is on its way.