Daily Submissions

Why Submit?

Written By: gracie - Aug• 30•11

If not for the internet, I don’t know that I ever would have been involved with this lifestyle.  I wouldn’t have had the ability to communicate with other practitioners or known how to formulate any sort of questions about it.  I had big questions, sure, but nothing that would have really helped me on a basic level.  With the resources at my fingertips, though, I quickly learned way more than I ever dreamed would need to be learned.  I probably learned some things I didn’t even need to learn, strictly speaking.

As soon as I knew there was a community of people out there who felt like I did, I knew that I’d never be content to live without it.  It wasn’t rare and I wasn’t abnormal- there were probably people right here, in my own city, who spanked and tied and fucked and loved in the way that I’d dreamed about since I was a little girl.  Suddenly, a lot of things I’d felt growing up made so much more sense to me, and it was a huge relief.  Even though I was a freak, I wasn’t alone.  At the age of 19, I realized that there might be some power in my position, even.  It was heady, knowing that I had this desire.  Even as plain as I was,  men would want me.

Over the years, I did discover a great many things.  I had to relearn things I thought I understood, again and again.  I liked the idea of really knowing it all, but I’ve given up on that.  Sure, there are key things that work for me directly, but there are also things that don’t work for me, but work just fine for others.  Knowledge is such a fluid thing.  Even self-knowledge is fluid, on account of change.  I used to pride myself on being self-aware.  See, I had this idea that if I really knew myself, then I wouldn’t change.  I’m not really sure how I figured, either.  It just seemed to make sense, somehow.  Well, as most of you know from experience, life doesn’t work that way.  I have changed, and I’m quite grateful for that fact.  How dull life would be if everything were static!

One question that seems to come up more often than the rest is why this is so appealing.  What makes a person want to submit?  I originally didn’t care about it very much.  Oh, I’d try to come up with flowery prose to answer the question, but on a largely intellectual scale.  I didn’t need to know what it was that I found attractive.  I was just satisfied that it worked for me.  I guess I wasn’t so big on self-discovery, then.  But eventually, as it kept resurfacing in various forms, it became something that I had an almost visceral need to explain.  Why would I submit to another person’s will?

I came up with flowery and meaningless reasons.  Things that sounded good on paper- “It just feels right to me,” or “I’ve always been drawn to traditional roles,” or “I want to see how love shapes me into the person I will be.”   They’re either gibberish that skirts the real question, or just gibberish.  I like having a ready answer, and I tend to communicate through text a great deal more than through any other sort of interaction, and these were the things I would tell myself.  Or I’d spout things I’d seen written elsewhere.  Sometimes I’d get all emo and say that love is all about power and control, so why not be up front about it?

As I’ve learned more about myself, I have come up with some better, more interesting answers.  Are they full of gibberish disguised as flowery prose? Yup.  No matter how much sense they make, to myself or others, they are still just gibberish, because no rationale or explanation can really touch on how it makes me feel.  I could give psychological reasons that would make Freud’s eyeballs roll back into his twisted little head, or I could write poetic essays about how it makes me feel.  I could argue nature, nurture, evolution or creationism.   All they’d boil down to are excuses.

Why submit? I could more easily answer why I am left-handed.

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>