Daily Submissions

Making Comparisons

Written By: gracie - Aug• 25•11

Despite the fact that some relationships are actually similar, D/s or DD or kink in general just does not lend itself to comparison.  Why, then, do I feel an almost compulsive need to read about and compare myself to others who submit?  It’s a terrible habit, I’m well aware.  Logically, right now, I can make all the right arguments about how self-defeating it is to have the mindset that I should somehow modify my submission, not for my Sir’s pleasure, but due to imagined expectations of others. I should probably be spanked for even mentioning it (I’m being facetious, mostly).

The more I read and admire the writings of others who choose to submit (in various ways), the more I long to be pleasing to my Sir.  There’s the rub, though.  Even though I am far from perfect, I know I am pleasing to him.  He doesn’t hesitate to tell me, every chance he gets.  And, honestly, regardless of how beautifully you all express your own submission, the only person who can teach me what he wants is my Sir.  I know, I know.

In my experience, nobody has this expectation of ‘role perfection’ in the vanilla circles of which I’ve been a part- everyone knows they’re different and have different wants and needs in a significant other.  There’s the occasional ‘relationship envy’ of: “Aww, you guys are so cute together!” but nothing like what I’m talking about.  So why do I look at other D/s couples and wish I could emulate the submissive partner in certain ways? Is this unique to me, or do you guys do it, too?

I guess it boils down to this: I don’t feel like my submission is beautiful.  I feel like it is flawed and uneven and unpredictable.  I feel like I should never get grouchy or that I shouldn’t need a reward as profound as the one he gave me yesterday, or that I should always be in the mood for whatever he wants.  In some ways, it feels like it would be easier if he just took what he wanted, no matter my mood, but he doesn’t want that.  He desires my willing and active submission.  He knows it would hurt me on a psychological level if he did things like that…. and I hate that he’s right.

I want to be perfectly beautiful and full of grace in everything I do.  I want to be full of class; a trophy wife- in public.  I want to be a slut, down on her knees and begging for his cock- in private.  I want to meet his needs and nothing more or less.

Notice something about all that? How many times have I said “I want” in this entry? I don’t think it’s wrong, as it would be in the context of other relationships, but it is interesting, at the very least.  What’s even more interesting, though, is how calm I feel.  Normally I’d be feeling overwrought with angst and self-loathing, but despite the tone, that’s not what I’m feeling.  It’s more like a journey of self-discovery; like I’m laying bare something essential inside of me, so it may be examined.

As an aside, and in a completely different realm, does anyone out there know anything about DSL internet? Our filters have been burning out within a couple of weeks lately, which seems extraordinarily short.  Any advice would be more than welcome.

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