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Written By: gracie - Aug• 26•11

I’ve never been skydiving.  I’ve never shoplifted.  I rarely speed, even when I’m late.   I cover my eyes during scary scenes in TV programs, not just movies.  I get mad if my Sir sneaks up on me (intentionally or not) when I’m concentrating on something.  I have suffered from severe social anxiety for as long as I can remember.  So it’s odd, I think, that fear is one of my big turn-ons. 

It’s hard for him to balance sometimes, I think.  I know it’s hard for me, so it must be hard for him.  The truth is, though, that fear is a greater rush than even pleasure.  Fear is difficult because there’s no fear if I don’t believe he’ll do something.  Sometimes I have to test, just to make sure it’s not a bluff.  When it’s a bluff, the energy we share seems to decrease significantly.   I know he doesn’t want to hurt me for his own pleasure, so it’s a bit difficult to believe sometimes that he’ll cross certain lines.  

The other day, with foolhardy smugness, I laughingly called my Sir out on a certain sexual act he threatened.  I was confident that it was a bluff, and told him so.  He was not amused.  His voice got thin and dangerous.  Something changed in his expression, and he looked fascinated- I had to drop my eyes and avoid that look.  I hated that he knew how uncomfortable he’d made me in that instant.  I was unable to stare him down, and he knew it.

He wasn’t bluffing.  

I don’t understand how he manages to hold both my trust and fear.  It seems like those two things would be mutually exclusive, right?  I think ultimately, I’m afraid of what I want, not what he’ll do.  I know what he’ll do- he’ll give me what I want, within his means.  Within his own desires… but I’ll still have to face the fact that I want to be put in these maddening positions.

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